I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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