My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
