I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
