I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
