I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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