I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
