You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
