I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
