She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
