is your mom at the bar?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
why do cheetos always look like penises
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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