My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
