I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
