All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
