My sheets look like a crime scene.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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