and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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