I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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