after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
