The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
