I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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