Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
