Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
