tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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