Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
