I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
