She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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