I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
