1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
this just has baby written all over it
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
