I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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