im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
