why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
