do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
