My hair reeks of homosexuality.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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