I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
