i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
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