It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
