So drunk its hurt
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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