nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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