i'm signing you up for texting rehab
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
