At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
