Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
