He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
