i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Someone shattered a urinal.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
