hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
These tits shall not be calmed
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
