I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
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