someone threw a dead crab at me
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
