I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
