my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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