you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
