The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
