i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
