You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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